02-24-2021, 01:15 AM
Hey Paul-
Thanks for the comments. In real life conversations I am a person who will talk around an idea as I formulate an opinion, often leading people to say, "just shut up."
So, when it comes to poetry, I employ what may seem to be foolish "rules" upon myself in order to stay concise. This poem is no exception, and it went through many iterations until I landed on a 5-7-5 structure. My main goal was to offer up a short observation that could have multiple interpretations. I leave it readers to react however they want.
As I review (edit) many of my poems, I find that most of them follow a very specific form. This adherence to form has led me to abandon many poems along the way. It has also helped me convey certain ideas, sort of like using a jello mold. (In criticising myself, cookie cutter also comes to mind).
I have been using this method for so long now that, love it or leave it, it has become my style.
To your point, if I tried " kicking some of the haiku out of this" I would probably wind up with a five syallable poem, as I always edit down, not up. Those five syllables would be "rain like razor wire" which are the only five original to this piece. And yes, I had to look up "wire" to make sure it is a single syallable word.
See how I can go on, and on? 'nough said, and enough is too much...
Mark
Hey Mark, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with this poem. I love the word choices and the interplay between them. It is the interplay that allows the poem to convey so much in just 13 words. You know how I feel about brevity, so for me this is a very strong short poem. The part that I hate, is that it's a very strong short poem dressed as a haiku. I read what you said about syllable counts on your other thread and I agree they have their place. But to me your poem does things that are not usually asked of a haiku (which for me is the charm of the piece) but it also does not really check all the boxes of what a haiku usually is built on. I am guilty of the same thing ALL THE TIME which is why your poem fascinates me. I wouldn't offer any specific suggestions but you might try kicking some of the haiku out of this and see what you end up with.
(at least 40% of me disagrees completely with my comments above)
Enjoyed,
Paul
Thanks for the comments. In real life conversations I am a person who will talk around an idea as I formulate an opinion, often leading people to say, "just shut up."
So, when it comes to poetry, I employ what may seem to be foolish "rules" upon myself in order to stay concise. This poem is no exception, and it went through many iterations until I landed on a 5-7-5 structure. My main goal was to offer up a short observation that could have multiple interpretations. I leave it readers to react however they want.
As I review (edit) many of my poems, I find that most of them follow a very specific form. This adherence to form has led me to abandon many poems along the way. It has also helped me convey certain ideas, sort of like using a jello mold. (In criticising myself, cookie cutter also comes to mind).
I have been using this method for so long now that, love it or leave it, it has become my style.
To your point, if I tried " kicking some of the haiku out of this" I would probably wind up with a five syallable poem, as I always edit down, not up. Those five syllables would be "rain like razor wire" which are the only five original to this piece. And yes, I had to look up "wire" to make sure it is a single syallable word.
See how I can go on, and on? 'nough said, and enough is too much...
Mark
Hey Mark, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with this poem. I love the word choices and the interplay between them. It is the interplay that allows the poem to convey so much in just 13 words. You know how I feel about brevity, so for me this is a very strong short poem. The part that I hate, is that it's a very strong short poem dressed as a haiku. I read what you said about syllable counts on your other thread and I agree they have their place. But to me your poem does things that are not usually asked of a haiku (which for me is the charm of the piece) but it also does not really check all the boxes of what a haiku usually is built on. I am guilty of the same thing ALL THE TIME which is why your poem fascinates me. I wouldn't offer any specific suggestions but you might try kicking some of the haiku out of this and see what you end up with.
(at least 40% of me disagrees completely with my comments above)
Enjoyed,
Paul