02-18-2021, 11:05 PM
I do like this piece. I enjoy the first line, I love jumping into things. If you’re unsure of it you could always have the title add to the actual poem. The reader will read the title like a first line and then your actual first line will technically be your second, but I personally love a beginning that feels like I’m already in the middle of it, like a small snippet of a scene or of a moment...like a photograph.
Line 2: “all that can be heard” is unnecessary. The first line provides the image perfectly.
“...as if it was real enough/to live in” I like the idea behind that. I’ve read your poem numerous times and that line really makes it feels so human because it’s almost about settling and dying where you’re at instead of where you want to be. I really liked that.
I like your line breaks, especially lines 7 and 8. It made the last two lines more bold with the long pause, giving it more time to really sink in.
I really enjoyed your piece. It doesn’t try to be philosophical but it is. It was really a good, clean read that left me thinking about it.
Line 2: “all that can be heard” is unnecessary. The first line provides the image perfectly.
“...as if it was real enough/to live in” I like the idea behind that. I’ve read your poem numerous times and that line really makes it feels so human because it’s almost about settling and dying where you’re at instead of where you want to be. I really liked that.
I like your line breaks, especially lines 7 and 8. It made the last two lines more bold with the long pause, giving it more time to really sink in.
I really enjoyed your piece. It doesn’t try to be philosophical but it is. It was really a good, clean read that left me thinking about it.