02-18-2021, 01:44 AM
TranquillityBase,
The trouble with you reading it as a fly tapping on a picture frame is my mistake that can possibly be resolved with a simple fix. Let me know how it reads or if it still reads the same : )
John,
Thank you for the feedback! I wouldn't understand the sentence structure the way you rewrote it. To type it out simply, it would read: "An empty house, a buzzing fly tapping on an image kept in dusty glass as if it was real enough to live in, even if the sill will be where it rests with the others."
I should've made this clear in the OP but the reason I began with "Because..." is because the previous poem in the collection I'm working on ends with a question, and I just wanted to be bold (maybe too bold) to add to the flow of the collection. If there are other ways you would suggest I open the poem as if it were answering a question, I'd love to hear your thoughts!
As for how I decided where to end my lines, it was a combination of listening for the rhythm and deciding which part of the sentence to end on would keep the reader somewhat interested in what the next line would be.
Again, thank you for the feedback,
Alex
The trouble with you reading it as a fly tapping on a picture frame is my mistake that can possibly be resolved with a simple fix. Let me know how it reads or if it still reads the same : )
John,
Thank you for the feedback! I wouldn't understand the sentence structure the way you rewrote it. To type it out simply, it would read: "An empty house, a buzzing fly tapping on an image kept in dusty glass as if it was real enough to live in, even if the sill will be where it rests with the others."
I should've made this clear in the OP but the reason I began with "Because..." is because the previous poem in the collection I'm working on ends with a question, and I just wanted to be bold (maybe too bold) to add to the flow of the collection. If there are other ways you would suggest I open the poem as if it were answering a question, I'd love to hear your thoughts!
As for how I decided where to end my lines, it was a combination of listening for the rhythm and deciding which part of the sentence to end on would keep the reader somewhat interested in what the next line would be.
Again, thank you for the feedback,
Alex