02-14-2021, 01:24 AM
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Hi TqB,
I think you need to do a bit of knapping yourself, there's an awful lot of excess here - saying that, I'm still not entirely sure what you're aiming for with the piece. If the poem is about the consequences of losing that perfect find, and I grant you it may not be, then start with that. As it is the first two stanzas seem entirely unnecessary (and, I'm afraid, dull). For someone who appears so interested in these flints there's no archaeology/ethnography in the piece, nor any explanation as to N's fascination.
S1.
Cutting a trail uphill ... I sat
In addition to the 'upon' that Milo mentioned, you're persisting with mixed tenses. How can you be both cutting and sat simultaneously?
S4.
If they're stone fish, which is a nice image, then perhaps continue the theme rather than go to cut? Describing something as 'tiny' and then the 'size of a dime' is poor, and repeating 'a few' doesn't add to the piece.
glass?
S5.
The ending doesn't really satisfy. hiding doesn't fit with them being uncovered by weariness and erosion
What happens if you begin as S4?
Best, Knot
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Hi TqB,
I think you need to do a bit of knapping yourself, there's an awful lot of excess here - saying that, I'm still not entirely sure what you're aiming for with the piece. If the poem is about the consequences of losing that perfect find, and I grant you it may not be, then start with that. As it is the first two stanzas seem entirely unnecessary (and, I'm afraid, dull). For someone who appears so interested in these flints there's no archaeology/ethnography in the piece, nor any explanation as to N's fascination.
S1.
Cutting a trail uphill ... I sat
In addition to the 'upon' that Milo mentioned, you're persisting with mixed tenses. How can you be both cutting and sat simultaneously?
S4.
If they're stone fish, which is a nice image, then perhaps continue the theme rather than go to cut? Describing something as 'tiny' and then the 'size of a dime' is poor, and repeating 'a few' doesn't add to the piece.
glass?
S5.
The ending doesn't really satisfy. hiding doesn't fit with them being uncovered by weariness and erosion
What happens if you begin as S4?
Best, Knot
.