One Night Stand on Der Zauberberg

[Knot]

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Hi TqB.

I liked the detail of the book in the original, sad to see it go.
My problem with this, as with the original is that the main part of the story, the 'knight', the 'wild ride' and the 'mushrooms' seem like background details.

I don't think it serves you to emphasise your lack of recall of details/events (e.g. 'I don't remember', 'all lost.)

You could add a parenthetical near Ouray to the title, perhaps?

One Night Stand on Der Zauberberg (near Ouray)

In the Uncompaghre wilderness

we met a band of travellers

late sixties flotsam, shared their campfire

And a bag of [I think you could be a bit more detailed here]

This was 72,

me and James,

road-tripping

his new Celica

Canada or Bust.

(Less than miles/days from home)

- judging by the original, you guys hadn't made it that far on your road trip when this event happened. Or am I wrong?

I'll call him John,

good a name as any other

a steel cage held his head

in place, neck and shoulders

encased in plaster, Like a knight

"Broke it, cliff diving"

We nodded. Couldn't help ourselves.

[I like the St. Bernard details, but what do they have to do with the story you're telling?]

a terrifying ride

Why did he do this? Why did you (both?) go? And where was the dog?

Just saying it was 'a terrifying ride' doesn't make it so. As a reader I'd like you to be alongside you in the jeep.

Hope this helps.

Best, Knot

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