One Night Stand on Der Zauberberg

[TranquillityBase]

.
Hi TqB,
happy to go along for the ride, and particularly enjoyed the 'dinosaur skin' but it falls rather flat at the end.
The 'hearts were lifted to the sky' and 'bequeathed' seem out of place.
And I'm not sure you need the third verse at all.

I'd suggest reordering some of the lines. As a for instance

I carried Ezra Pound’s Cantos
as my talisman on a road-trip
with James in 72. Canada or bust,
us in his new Celica.

In Santa Fe I found Weiger’s
Etymological Dictionary of Chinese
Characters. And the talisman
was confirmed.

(Is there a better line than 'And the talisman ...'?
Might you cut it?
It would be nice to get a bit more detail of where N found the dictionary)


As this is basic, I'll leave it there.


Best, Knot


·
thanks, Knot

i like your redo of first stanza, but I'm real attached to that third stanza, at least the event, if not those words.

---

[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='251491' dateline='1612179747']
[quote="Knot" pid='251480' dateline='1612117740']
.
Hi TqB,
happy to go along for the ride, and particularly enjoyed the 'dinosaur skin' but it falls rather flat at the end.
The 'hearts were lifted to the sky' and 'bequeathed' seem out of place.
And I'm not sure you need the third verse at all.

I'd suggest reordering some of the lines. As a for instance

I carried Ezra Pound’s Cantos
as my talisman on a road-trip
with James in 72. Canada or bust,
us in his new Celica.

In Santa Fe I found Weiger’s
Etymological Dictionary of Chinese
Characters. And the talisman
was confirmed.

(Is there a better line than 'And the talisman ...'?
Might you cut it?
It would be nice to get a bit more detail of where N found the dictionary)


As this is basic, I'll leave it there.


Best, Knot


·
thanks, Knot

i like your redo of first stanza, but I'm real attached to that third verse, at least the event, if not those words.