Pathos

[John]

Not the title, but suggestions invited.

This is my working title, because of the context in which I want the piece be understood:

I WISH I COULD SAY HOW IT IS

I'd like to get a better understanding of the freer forms of verse and its varieties: been working on this for a while. I've given some thought to natural speech rhythms and cadence, and line breaks for emphasis. Input welcome.


No consolation, but
you're not the only ones to grieve -
Death is my living.
Through you.
I chop skulls and dip into brains
like you dip soldiers into an egg.

No morbid fascination, just desire
to understand and help.

Immersion in your grief makes me
grieve -
as you do

Despite what you imagine I'm not inured.
Black humour helps. No false sympathy,
only empathy in grief.

I understand. I really do.

I know their very essence,
and hearts and lungs
and brains and organs
as I know myself.

I know your grief
I share your grief

I understand more than you can possibly know -
I watched a colleague
do my son.

Cheers.

First off, I love the "soldiers dipped into egg" even though I have no idea what it means.  That's OK.  Poems I understand completely are not as fun.

I want to suggest removing many of the lines where you address your grief with the others because that becomes crystal clear in those last three lines.  In particular I'm referring to the third stanza, and the "No false sympathy...." & "I know your grief /I share your grief"

That's my 2 cents 

Thanks for your input, TB. Still working on it...