01-26-2021, 01:20 AM
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Hi Dale,
this reads like it was fun to write, but on second reading it becomes rather rambling and incoherent (which might just suit the character of N, but by the end I was desperate for a stronger narrative thread to follow.)
I don't understand the opening line, not who 'she' is nor why she doesn't appear anywhere else in the poem. (Don't think you need 'to her' in L2, feels redundant) 'Sparkled with a glisten' is pretty dire.
L4, played by The Band, I think the singer was the Holy Ghost. ?
L7, can't quite suspend my disbelief enough for this line.
L9, after 'cake' and 'park' 'left out in the rain' seems superfluous.
L11, I assumed the 'Holly' here was Buddy, didn't he 'kiss the dirt'?
L13, 'did her depress' (and the rest of the line) seems to be in a different voice. Surely it would 'bum her out' or something colloquial?
L17, similarly 'I did forsake'.
(bit confused about the significance of 'lost trust for the spirit in the sky' if 'god was dead')
L21, and 'spook' leaves a sour taste.
L24, that 'blinded' isn't followed by 'the light' seems peculiar
L25, Even to this day we reminisce, we reminisce and cry, ?
L29, would Tin Soldiers make a better title?
L35, 'put to torch', put to the torch, surely?
L36, 'astride a man called Horse' caused a bit of a stumble (no Easy Rider reference?)
L37-40, very confused by this verse, what am I missing?
L41-2, 'yellow fellow' is inadvertently problematic, perhaps? And the ending just feels week. It was a long road to, if not nowhere, then not very much.
(I had to break it down into four line stanzas to get a grip on it, maybe I lost something in the process).
Best, Knot
ps What are 'Generational Sketches'?
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Hi Dale,
this reads like it was fun to write, but on second reading it becomes rather rambling and incoherent (which might just suit the character of N, but by the end I was desperate for a stronger narrative thread to follow.)
I don't understand the opening line, not who 'she' is nor why she doesn't appear anywhere else in the poem. (Don't think you need 'to her' in L2, feels redundant) 'Sparkled with a glisten' is pretty dire.
L4, played by The Band, I think the singer was the Holy Ghost. ?
L7, can't quite suspend my disbelief enough for this line.
L9, after 'cake' and 'park' 'left out in the rain' seems superfluous.
L11, I assumed the 'Holly' here was Buddy, didn't he 'kiss the dirt'?
L13, 'did her depress' (and the rest of the line) seems to be in a different voice. Surely it would 'bum her out' or something colloquial?
L17, similarly 'I did forsake'.
(bit confused about the significance of 'lost trust for the spirit in the sky' if 'god was dead')
L21, and 'spook' leaves a sour taste.
L24, that 'blinded' isn't followed by 'the light' seems peculiar
L25, Even to this day we reminisce, we reminisce and cry, ?
L29, would Tin Soldiers make a better title?
L35, 'put to torch', put to the torch, surely?
L36, 'astride a man called Horse' caused a bit of a stumble (no Easy Rider reference?)
L37-40, very confused by this verse, what am I missing?
L41-2, 'yellow fellow' is inadvertently problematic, perhaps? And the ending just feels week. It was a long road to, if not nowhere, then not very much.
(I had to break it down into four line stanzas to get a grip on it, maybe I lost something in the process).
Best, Knot
ps What are 'Generational Sketches'?
.