01-23-2021, 10:53 AM
To use a cliche, there's not enough showing, and too much telling.
The bits that stood out were:
"I chop skulls and dip into brains
like you dip soldiers into an egg." - although I couldn't understand what soldiers were being alluded to (some sort of snack?), there's some imagery in those lines
And
"hearts and lungs
and brains and organs" - not particularly wild, but common, rather than abstract, nouns.
The twist in the end is unexpected, but I don't know whether morbidity alone is sufficient payoff.
The bits that stood out were:
"I chop skulls and dip into brains
like you dip soldiers into an egg." - although I couldn't understand what soldiers were being alluded to (some sort of snack?), there's some imagery in those lines
And
"hearts and lungs
and brains and organs" - not particularly wild, but common, rather than abstract, nouns.
The twist in the end is unexpected, but I don't know whether morbidity alone is sufficient payoff.