Memories of him

[John]

Hi, Savannah,

Some good learning points, there. I'm sure you've read that the essence of poetry is concentration: of mind, thought, word usage, form and layout. Succinctness. As far as possible, show, don't tell, and draw the reader in. Let them fill in the blanks as much as they can. Lay the trail of gunpowder to the kegs, and give the reader the match. And let them enjoy the explosion of emotion.

Don't get caught in the free-verse trap: no rules so anything goes therefore it's easy... It's not. It's much harder.

This piece has a lot going on (and not always clear), and as already suggested, it could be broken down into separate works with different themes. That will keep it tight and meaningful, and allow the reader to assimilate it for themselves.

For example (a wake):

Thanks for coming. Immortal lines of a grieving host
Condolences Double meaning as a plural noun or the spoken word
drift through the air on sweet incense An indication of the cultural setting, and suggesting how the grief permeates through the mourners
Love and remembrance roll down cheeks Because that's what shedding tears is about without telling the reader that mourners were crying
A garlanded photograph Cultural indication and a treasured souvenir that the reader will keep
framing life and love and loss These latter two lines allow the reader to picture their own loved one in the frame and what it means to them. Consider the alliteration

Aching A summation of loss giving the reader chance to consider all their emotions

Why her?
Why now? The eternal questions that have no answers. We've all asked them. Reader's empathy for the host. And then as is common, there's nothing left to say, except...

Thanks for coming.

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I haven't paid strict attention to using longer vowels, punctuation, particular word choices, line breaks etc. It's just an indication of concentrated emotion in far fewer words.

If any of it is of any help, have at it.