01-19-2021, 05:37 AM
Hi Savannah,
Sometimes it helps to remove articles in poems to sort of simplify your thoughts. For example, instead of
Incense drifts through the air // like a scented cloud // hoping to quell the grief in the room.
I would consider:
Incense drifts through air // like a scented cloud // hoping to quell grief in the room.
This reads narratively, and I am a fan of poems that could be turned into paragraphs or novel passages. I see you've taken a slice of an event, but I can't help but feel slightly unconnected from it despite the vulnerable nature of the poem. I imagine the location is a funeral, so I would perhaps sink into that location a little more. Maybe expand on the flitting condolences and pity talk. The poem sort of paints the situation but doesn't open up anything new about what's actually going on with either the narrator or the surrounding situation.
I do hope this helps. The piece does a good job of conveying pain but I'm not certain every aspect is folding back into an objective narrative. And maybe that's not the point of it! What do I know anyway!
Sometimes it helps to remove articles in poems to sort of simplify your thoughts. For example, instead of
Incense drifts through the air // like a scented cloud // hoping to quell the grief in the room.
I would consider:
Incense drifts through air // like a scented cloud // hoping to quell grief in the room.
This reads narratively, and I am a fan of poems that could be turned into paragraphs or novel passages. I see you've taken a slice of an event, but I can't help but feel slightly unconnected from it despite the vulnerable nature of the poem. I imagine the location is a funeral, so I would perhaps sink into that location a little more. Maybe expand on the flitting condolences and pity talk. The poem sort of paints the situation but doesn't open up anything new about what's actually going on with either the narrator or the surrounding situation.
I do hope this helps. The piece does a good job of conveying pain but I'm not certain every aspect is folding back into an objective narrative. And maybe that's not the point of it! What do I know anyway!
I'll be there in a minute.