Nursery Rhyme

[Erthona]

holly0998


He kissed with his eyes

And I acted surprised,

As if my world hadn't crumbled

Half an hour ago.



I kissed with my smile

And we stood for a while,

As butterflies bumbled

In the crystal snow.



Your (his)touch still lingered

And you (I) twiddled your (my) fingers,

As birds mumbled,

You love him so.  (stanza needs to stay in present tense)



The chirps slowly died

With our lips and eyes, (somewhat unclear image. When words are at a premium, make them count.)

As we stumbled

Slowly home. ("stumble" implies "slowly")

[/quote]


As this is in accentual verse ( as most Nursery Rhyme is) instead of metered, the line length can change, as per the content, as long as the accents remain the same.

This is a well worn theme although the idea of "Nursery Rhyme" does create a nice overarching feel, making it slightly fresher than many on this topic. There is also a sweetness that comes through that causes the poem to rise above what would ordinarily be stale stale example of a thousand other poems of this kind. With some work, this could be a decent poem.

best,

dale