01-02-2021, 08:50 AM
Hello,
I really like this poem-
a lovely message set within an engaging rhyme scheme - good stuff.
all I can add is teeny tweaks. to take or leave.
He kissed with his eyes
And I acted surprised, - and I feigned surprise - make the language work for you.
As if my world hadn't crumbled
Half an hour ago. - great reveal, right there, I'm in.
I kissed with my smile
And we stood for a while,
As butterflies bumbled - I would say honeybees - but a mute point.
In the crystal snow. - above the crystal snow - otherwise, it sounds like the butterflies are in a storm.
Your touch still lingered - lingers - more immediate
And you twiddled your fingers, - not a good line - it sounds forced. - touching my hair or something?
As birds mumbled, - tumbled, surely - for all sorts of reasons
I love him so.
The chirps slowly died - The song.....or something more poignant
With our lips and eyes,
As we stumbled
Slowly home.
Love it - a new genre - romantic realism....
Keep writing............Philip
I really like this poem-
a lovely message set within an engaging rhyme scheme - good stuff.
all I can add is teeny tweaks. to take or leave.
He kissed with his eyes
And I acted surprised, - and I feigned surprise - make the language work for you.
As if my world hadn't crumbled
Half an hour ago. - great reveal, right there, I'm in.
I kissed with my smile
And we stood for a while,
As butterflies bumbled - I would say honeybees - but a mute point.
In the crystal snow. - above the crystal snow - otherwise, it sounds like the butterflies are in a storm.
Your touch still lingered - lingers - more immediate
And you twiddled your fingers, - not a good line - it sounds forced. - touching my hair or something?
As birds mumbled, - tumbled, surely - for all sorts of reasons
I love him so.
The chirps slowly died - The song.....or something more poignant
With our lips and eyes,
As we stumbled
Slowly home.
Love it - a new genre - romantic realism....
Keep writing............Philip