12-17-2020, 11:38 AM
(12-13-2020, 02:07 AM)mlea Wrote: Still HereI read this as referring to the Moon, revolving tide-locked in her orbit and, in a way, floating on the thin film of ocean her tides motivate.
Stay still, beautiful soul
Dangerous worlds don't need you.
You know,
The art of staying still
Starts with insensate skin. nice use of "a" sounds here
So ignore the Earth boring down could be "bearing down?"
Until the Sharp Pain and the Ache for Freedom
No longer move you. perhaps fewer "the" in this stanza?
We know, "We" here is ambiguous - subject of the poem and its poet, or just referring to the (apparently multiple) viewpoint/poet?
The skill of serenity
Blesses the bluntest in feeling
And you, too, can be immovably numb.
Unless -
Say you, energy-whole "Say" seems a bit awkward here - perhaps should be set off with a comma after it. Perhaps the previous line could be, "Unless, say -" and this line begin with "[Y]ou"
Sway gravity's pull to the water.
Uncrushable against the Earth.
Buoyant.
Still -
Floating.
On the whole it works (in that reading) pretty well; the suggestions above are just that. It could be even more spare with fewer "the," but you are, after all, discussing unique bodies.
One thing - capitalizing the first word of each line, regardless of sentence structure, is generally disparaged here as archaic. I don't completely agree, but in some cases (as here) capitalizing every line is a bit confusing in places. You might try capitalizing only as required by sentence structure - or not at all, which is perfectly acceptable - and see how you like it.
An ambitious and original concept. Thanks for posting, looking forward to your revision and your future poems.
