11-27-2020, 02:51 AM
Hello Alex, thank you for responding, and I'm happy give further explanation.
'Murmurs' - is only weak in comparison to the confident statement of the opening line - 'whispers' might serve better? And I'm still lost on the ghost - a metaphorical stretch too far?
Congealed - entwined, caught, captured, stranded, entangled etc
There seems to be a confusing logic regarding the rain, not falling. Raining through steel, which is mysterious to me, yet on carcasses and slime.
Yesterday's forever - 'forever' is the snag, too wide-reaching and ambiguous maybe. I'm not totally clear on the meaning, but perhaps-
Yesterday's utopia/ambition/promise etc.
If you are not happy with 'haze', then swap it with 'malaise' ?
Hope this helps.............P
'Murmurs' - is only weak in comparison to the confident statement of the opening line - 'whispers' might serve better? And I'm still lost on the ghost - a metaphorical stretch too far?
Congealed - entwined, caught, captured, stranded, entangled etc
There seems to be a confusing logic regarding the rain, not falling. Raining through steel, which is mysterious to me, yet on carcasses and slime.
Yesterday's forever - 'forever' is the snag, too wide-reaching and ambiguous maybe. I'm not totally clear on the meaning, but perhaps-
Yesterday's utopia/ambition/promise etc.
If you are not happy with 'haze', then swap it with 'malaise' ?
Hope this helps.............P