11-17-2020, 09:38 AM
Thanks everyone for the feedback so far! The first sentence is structured so that it's saying that "time" is the thing that has congealed, not the rain. I don't think wet, soaked, drenched convey the image of something solidifying. If it wasn't adequately expressed, I'd love to hear other ways to rewrite while still keeping to the meter and rhyme scheme.
philip,
I'm going to shorten "murmurings" to "murmurs", but I'm a bit unclear about what is passive or vague about the term. And if it is, is that necessarily bad about a title? Could the issue be that it doesn't evoke much for you? And "ghost" in the title is important, because the poem isn't representing the sound of rainfall from the sky to the ground.
Since the poem isn't representing the sound of rain falling from the sky to the ground, "we rain on steel" wouldn't work either. It rains through steel and onto all that nasty stuff mentioned.
"Secrets drained" would give me a nice in-rhyme, but again, I don't think it matches up with what I'm trying to say.
Finally, could you let me know what borders on bombast about the phrase "yesterday's forever"? Is there another way you'd suggest I write it?
XD please believe me, I'm not trying to discard your feedback, just trying to get a clear point to begin editing from.
"Haze" actually isn't the word I'm looking for in that 6th line. Will rewrite.
philip,
I'm going to shorten "murmurings" to "murmurs", but I'm a bit unclear about what is passive or vague about the term. And if it is, is that necessarily bad about a title? Could the issue be that it doesn't evoke much for you? And "ghost" in the title is important, because the poem isn't representing the sound of rainfall from the sky to the ground.
Since the poem isn't representing the sound of rain falling from the sky to the ground, "we rain on steel" wouldn't work either. It rains through steel and onto all that nasty stuff mentioned.
"Secrets drained" would give me a nice in-rhyme, but again, I don't think it matches up with what I'm trying to say.
Finally, could you let me know what borders on bombast about the phrase "yesterday's forever"? Is there another way you'd suggest I write it?
XD please believe me, I'm not trying to discard your feedback, just trying to get a clear point to begin editing from.
"Haze" actually isn't the word I'm looking for in that 6th line. Will rewrite.