11-17-2020, 03:14 AM
Hello Alex,
a nice shorty I enjoyed reading - and the recurring motif worked well for me, giving the poem a circular resolution.
The title is a bit unwieldy - 'murmurings' seems too passive and vague for me, and is the ghost important?
congealed in memory's malaise. - I'm not fond of 'congealed', it cuts against the idea of rain - wet/soaked/drenched ?
and steel, on carcasses and slime, - do you mean 'on steel' ?
'washed' sounds too weak for me, I know it ties in with the rain - drained would make a nice in-rhyme.
yesterday's forever - bordering on the bombastic here...
methane haze - I'm thinking global warming and droughts?
just my thoughts, thanks for sharing.............Philip
a nice shorty I enjoyed reading - and the recurring motif worked well for me, giving the poem a circular resolution.
The title is a bit unwieldy - 'murmurings' seems too passive and vague for me, and is the ghost important?
congealed in memory's malaise. - I'm not fond of 'congealed', it cuts against the idea of rain - wet/soaked/drenched ?
and steel, on carcasses and slime, - do you mean 'on steel' ?
'washed' sounds too weak for me, I know it ties in with the rain - drained would make a nice in-rhyme.
yesterday's forever - bordering on the bombastic here...
methane haze - I'm thinking global warming and droughts?
just my thoughts, thanks for sharing.............Philip