11-17-2020, 01:21 AM
Hello Thunder,
An engaging poem but the message and meaning is lost on me.
There are some nice phrases, but I don't get their meaning because they don't seem to relate or connect with anything else - like separate thoughts that are unresolved.
The first line is a bit awkward and unnatural - keep it simple for the opener.
Have to say, I'm not sure about the 'times' couplet - over-stressed?
I get the 'crystal' reference - but again, another detached concept.
Use imagery to drive the narration/mood/message into something grounded enough for the reader to grasp-
remember when the pits were open / with coal rivers burning up the land
just my thoughts...........Philip
An engaging poem but the message and meaning is lost on me.
There are some nice phrases, but I don't get their meaning because they don't seem to relate or connect with anything else - like separate thoughts that are unresolved.
The first line is a bit awkward and unnatural - keep it simple for the opener.
Have to say, I'm not sure about the 'times' couplet - over-stressed?
I get the 'crystal' reference - but again, another detached concept.
Use imagery to drive the narration/mood/message into something grounded enough for the reader to grasp-
remember when the pits were open / with coal rivers burning up the land
just my thoughts...........Philip