11-08-2020, 07:52 AM
What a beautiful and tragic poem! My impression is that this is a person on a ventilator who can no longer speak, who is surrounded by family and waiting to die. With the ending, I hope this person can still find poetry in their final thoughts, even if they cannot express them.
If I had any suggestions, it would be to re-think the rhyme scheme and make sure your choices are very intentional. My mind had a little trouble with the jump from ABCADC in the first stanza to ABAC in the second to AABAB in the third, to ABA in the last. Is this mishmash intentional? I didn't fully understand what role the rhyme played in the poem. But overall I really liked the effect and think you did a great job with a difficult topic. Apologies if I got something from it you did not intend to convey! Nice work!
If I had any suggestions, it would be to re-think the rhyme scheme and make sure your choices are very intentional. My mind had a little trouble with the jump from ABCADC in the first stanza to ABAC in the second to AABAB in the third, to ABA in the last. Is this mishmash intentional? I didn't fully understand what role the rhyme played in the poem. But overall I really liked the effect and think you did a great job with a difficult topic. Apologies if I got something from it you did not intend to convey! Nice work!