10-31-2020, 03:10 AM
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Hi BHF,
an ode to a bed, I see the appeal.
It might work better with a more consistent meter, especially at the beginning,something like
My love, so soft, thy sweet invite is in all ways enticing
How oft to thee I turn, my love, when times are hard and trying.
perhaps? But really it needs to be in pentameter, I think.
It might be worth considering consistently addressing the bed as though it were a lover, so avoiding words
like 'any other spot' (S3) which rather break the spell. 'the plush haven of thee' works very well in this context.
In quite a few places, starting in S4, you are using thou when you should be employing thy, and you instead
of thee. I think you need to be consistent, whichever way you go with those pronouns.
(I'm not sure to what the 'those' of S4 refer. Also you're repeating 'soft' in this verse).
I think you could combine verses six and seven, reworking these elements
Thou art the strong temptation, spoils my concentration, Thou beautiful siren
Thou art my truest love, What keeps my truly sane,
perhaps?
(S8, I think you mean 'embrace'?)
Not sure about the ending (forever and eternity?). I like the humour, but that last word is a hostage to fortune.
(Never invite the reader to consider that boredom is an appropriate reaction to a poem
)
I would your charms forever sing
yet in this moment I must no more
my thoughts alas come to nothing
which happens when my husband/good wife snores.
Best, Knot
.
Hi BHF,
an ode to a bed, I see the appeal.
It might work better with a more consistent meter, especially at the beginning,something like
My love, so soft, thy sweet invite is in all ways enticing
How oft to thee I turn, my love, when times are hard and trying.
perhaps? But really it needs to be in pentameter, I think.
It might be worth considering consistently addressing the bed as though it were a lover, so avoiding words
like 'any other spot' (S3) which rather break the spell. 'the plush haven of thee' works very well in this context.
In quite a few places, starting in S4, you are using thou when you should be employing thy, and you instead
of thee. I think you need to be consistent, whichever way you go with those pronouns.
(I'm not sure to what the 'those' of S4 refer. Also you're repeating 'soft' in this verse).
I think you could combine verses six and seven, reworking these elements
Thou art the strong temptation, spoils my concentration, Thou beautiful siren
Thou art my truest love, What keeps my truly sane,
perhaps?
(S8, I think you mean 'embrace'?)
Not sure about the ending (forever and eternity?). I like the humour, but that last word is a hostage to fortune.
(Never invite the reader to consider that boredom is an appropriate reaction to a poem
)I would your charms forever sing
yet in this moment I must no more
my thoughts alas come to nothing
which happens when my husband/good wife snores.
Best, Knot
.