10-19-2020, 09:24 AM
hello Radetof - I keep coming back to this poem - so I thought I should comment...
Evening fog throttles the naked bulbs - throttles is too strong for passive fog
lining safdar hashmi marg - a street in the east
beside the shuttered state house - colonial?
a lonesome bus parked for the night - what does this add?
and a thin figure
wrapped around a statue
wet spots where eyes should be - swap this line over with the one above
bony noose constricts
wet urgent kisses
almost drowned by passing traffic - drop almost - kisses are not that loud
The statue quivers
stifled sobs giving life
notices me - notices is too clinical
a voyeur waiting - voyeur is too strong
for the end of the show - rather flat - it sees you watching it? - for the climax of the show, surely...
if endings are difficult - get your message clear - write the ending first on the money - and just work backwards...
Evening fog throttles the naked bulbs - throttles is too strong for passive fog
lining safdar hashmi marg - a street in the east
beside the shuttered state house - colonial?
a lonesome bus parked for the night - what does this add?
and a thin figure
wrapped around a statue
wet spots where eyes should be - swap this line over with the one above
bony noose constricts
wet urgent kisses
almost drowned by passing traffic - drop almost - kisses are not that loud
The statue quivers
stifled sobs giving life
notices me - notices is too clinical
a voyeur waiting - voyeur is too strong
for the end of the show - rather flat - it sees you watching it? - for the climax of the show, surely...
if endings are difficult - get your message clear - write the ending first on the money - and just work backwards...