powerful heat in
every direction
destroying the potential
of fresh air winning
leaves on the trees
dancing along with
the breeze that passes
them each moment
dying branches join
but slowly move
with grace
a few seem to be at
their final hour
before the dance is
finally over and they lay
with the others
eliminated on the ground
dead leaves lying
on green mixed with
brown grass
pieces by pieces
they fall
no longer able to dance
a few hang on for
a while
at least, those who
aren't live less
along the line over
to the right
some stand tall
fully green not effect
by the forces of the wind
for me it needs more images and less telling Lb, it feels like it's using more words than it needs.;
powerful heat in
every direction.........could be written as oppressive heat or something else
destroying the potential
of fresh air winning...........could be squeezes labouring lungs or something else
both my examples are cliche but i just put them up to try and show that sometimes less can be better.
for me it also needs a bit more clarity. at present the images aren't enough to let it flow.
nice that you're expanding into other genre. nature i think is a great path to go down if you wish to learn how to use imagery. thanks for the read as usual LB, keep at it. and thanks for sticking with it. that's the most important thing.
every direction
destroying the potential
of fresh air winning
leaves on the trees
dancing along with
the breeze that passes
them each moment
dying branches join
but slowly move
with grace
a few seem to be at
their final hour
before the dance is
finally over and they lay
with the others
eliminated on the ground
dead leaves lying
on green mixed with
brown grass
pieces by pieces
they fall
no longer able to dance
a few hang on for
a while
at least, those who
aren't live less
along the line over
to the right
some stand tall
fully green not effect
by the forces of the wind
for me it needs more images and less telling Lb, it feels like it's using more words than it needs.;
powerful heat in
every direction.........could be written as oppressive heat or something else
destroying the potential
of fresh air winning...........could be squeezes labouring lungs or something else
both my examples are cliche but i just put them up to try and show that sometimes less can be better.
for me it also needs a bit more clarity. at present the images aren't enough to let it flow.
nice that you're expanding into other genre. nature i think is a great path to go down if you wish to learn how to use imagery. thanks for the read as usual LB, keep at it. and thanks for sticking with it. that's the most important thing.