10-15-2020, 05:21 PM
You’ve got an awkward problem, here. Narcissus was passive to death, and that’s fine for mythology. But passive-voice poems are unpleasant. I mean, poetry in general is unpleasant, but passive-voice poems are agonizing.
Richard has you pegged. If you want to keep the structure you’ve got, listen to his edits. They’re chef’s-kiss pretty.
But I think this is a joyless metrical exercise. It doesn’t feel like a poem you, you the author, love. And, there’s some irony in that, given the subject matter, but . . .
If you’re writing about old Greeks, somebody needs to die. The stakes of this poem are diminished from the reference material. You’re drawing hear from a nuclear furnace.
Either relate the original myth to a contemporary narrative or cast the ancient narrative in a slam-bang poetic embodiment.
Or ditch the ancient crap.
But this isn’t the kind of verse where you can meet your reader halfway. As soon as you reference ancient stories, you’re Atlas.
Fwiw, I want you to keep working this thing.
Richard has you pegged. If you want to keep the structure you’ve got, listen to his edits. They’re chef’s-kiss pretty.
But I think this is a joyless metrical exercise. It doesn’t feel like a poem you, you the author, love. And, there’s some irony in that, given the subject matter, but . . .
If you’re writing about old Greeks, somebody needs to die. The stakes of this poem are diminished from the reference material. You’re drawing hear from a nuclear furnace.
Either relate the original myth to a contemporary narrative or cast the ancient narrative in a slam-bang poetic embodiment.
Or ditch the ancient crap.
But this isn’t the kind of verse where you can meet your reader halfway. As soon as you reference ancient stories, you’re Atlas.
Fwiw, I want you to keep working this thing.
A yak is normal.