09-28-2020, 04:22 PM
Hi Jack, an interesting poem you've got here that could be greatly improved just by the use of punctuation which would make it so much easier to read, I've left a few notes below.
As regards content, the third stanza kind of draws it together although I'm still left a little confused. As a final thought it would probably work better if you changed the title so that it's not the refrain, something like, but definitely not 'It's all relative to me'
Cheers for the read,
Mark
(09-19-2020, 09:49 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: What would Albert Einstein do? ----- the question would be better as 'What would Einstein do?', then itInitially the poem is quite hard to read due to the lack of punctuation and the capitalisation of the first word on every line.
would mirror the famous refrain 'What would Jesus do?' which it may
be a reference to.
Albert Einstein famously said ------ Don't need 'Albert'
And I’m confident it’s true ----- Do need some kind of punctuation, is this the quote or the next line
Anyone who never made a mistake ---- quotation marks either side of the quote
Has never tried something new
Now Albert’s brain was clinical ----- this line would work better if you get rid of the 'Albert' from 1st line
A hot shot PHD
I smile, though I’m cynical ----- cynical about what? It's not really clear
It sounds like work to me
Bocce balls are heavier than you’d think ----- not getting this reference
See the label of everything you drink ---- and I'm struggling with this line also
Be honest when it’s easy, the rest is up to you
I wonder, what would Albert Einstein do? ---- drop the 'Albert'
I don’t have that proclivity ---- which proclivity?
There are knots I can’t untwist ----- nice line referencing knot theory in mathematics???
I’m fuzzy on relativity
But I think I get the gist
You get to a point where you are who you are ----- clumsy line, too many 'you'
And folks should just calm down
So, I’ll pick a simple hobby
And do it on level ground
So, what makes me different from everyone else ----- don't need 'so' it clashes with 'so' in next line. Also needs question mark
I tell you I’m not so sure
I do what I can with what I’ve got
Intentions mostly pure
I guess people think I’m docile ----- do docile and fossil rhyme? it may be an accent thing
An island on the blue
If I fall will it make me a fossil ----- I'm not getting this line
What would Albert Einstein do? ----- drop 'Albert'
As regards content, the third stanza kind of draws it together although I'm still left a little confused. As a final thought it would probably work better if you changed the title so that it's not the refrain, something like, but definitely not 'It's all relative to me'
Cheers for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
