09-20-2020, 10:24 PM
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Hi Klis,
a rather long, but interesting read. And then came the 'bonus section'. That pretty much destroyed all the goodwill the previous sections had built up. So I'm going to ignore it entirely.
The erratic punctuation (assuming it's accidental rather than deliberate) is an issue. Put the effort in, don't make the reader do your work. Which leads to hei (l.31,37) - what is it? Is it, as it appears later in the piece, a name? Like lise? The (careless?) formatting is a real impediment in this regard.
I found phrases like 'every each' difficult at first, but then they grew on me. The poem has its own voice, and one that is worth defending. That said, if you're going to end lines on conjunctions etc (as you do in S1, then I think you should be consistent - that way S2 would begin
Best, Knot
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Hi Klis,
a rather long, but interesting read. And then came the 'bonus section'. That pretty much destroyed all the goodwill the previous sections had built up. So I'm going to ignore it entirely.
The erratic punctuation (assuming it's accidental rather than deliberate) is an issue. Put the effort in, don't make the reader do your work. Which leads to hei (l.31,37) - what is it? Is it, as it appears later in the piece, a name? Like lise? The (careless?) formatting is a real impediment in this regard.
I found phrases like 'every each' difficult at first, but then they grew on me. The poem has its own voice, and one that is worth defending. That said, if you're going to end lines on conjunctions etc (as you do in S1, then I think you should be consistent - that way S2 would begin
Last night Vivien called them because
they wanted to not exist, because
they keep tearing bits of themselves
out to feed flames that grow more and
more—those INGRATES
who dare to be called their family,
who are because they are
held together on one back held together one back (because
(and hate my they hate ...?
precious sib for that).
Is it 'who dare to be called' or should it be 'who dare to call themselves' ?
Not sure about the final 11 lines of Act I.
Or about the narrative in Act II.
When does N go to the sibs house? And why?
'Next morning' makes 'last night' redundant, or the other way around. Cut one.
Last night after they had calmed down, after
scrabble, chilli cashews, and tiktok browsing, after
they fell asleep in bed with me. After
I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t until After
I got home the next morning
in my shower that I collapsed
in tears.
No sure that the ASIDE really is an aside, it seems to flow out of the preceding
and i said: i know i know i know)
And I say now also: I know,
I know. I know
Aren't you missing an triple echo (help/help/help) opportunity here (and elsewhere)?
To you? A god? A goddess? A king? My Queen? my sib
Atlas i wish i could help you bear the
My sib, won’t you please be less perfect?
I’d rather a you that is flawed and more selfish
than one that’s you faultless
and dead.
This is a great ending, why on earth ruin it with the 'bonus section'?
Best, Knot
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