09-12-2020, 02:24 AM
(09-08-2020, 09:29 AM)Lilly123 Wrote: I’ve wondered what you listen to. Great hookReally nice! It comes across that you have a good writing voice and a good intuition for structure and form. The very first line is fantastic, and it sets you up to have a very nice rhythm throughout the poem. Some other lines, like "Your aspirations, ..." betray this pattern, so changing them would take this to another level. In terms of actual content, this is simply pretty great.
Your aspirations,
your point of view. The extra "your" here breaks the meter/rhythm. You could do something like "Your hopefulness,/ your point of view". The word choice is up to you, but that example keeps a consistent beat
I’ve wondered what we have in common.
Things we like?
Things we’ve wanted? NICE! These three lines work so well.
I wish you looked at me the same,
and smiled when you heard my name. Also excellent
But I think I like the way it is, This "But" also breaks the rhythm, but I think it actually works well
No talking,
no chasing, If this were "or chasing," then it might read better
just wishful bliss. Excellent