Draft 4: The Poor Man's Dawn

[RiverNotch]

Patriotic embers of the stolen land
of milk and honey fade
before they touch the earth
like flecks of daybreak gold
becoming dust
in the crowded shade.

And, empty as a dead star
and the swine in suits, the buildings feed
our shadows to a rot of daisies
that burgeoned through concrete. I still find "swine in suits" too obvious -- I'd just cut it out. "empty as a dead star, the buildings feed" sounds fair enough in my head. But cutting out "monuments of suffering" and going straight to the point with "the buildings feed" is a good choice.

It will never be the fire, but either fate
or all its followers, who dance on shores
where viscous black waves break closer
beneath a sanguine sky, that brings
all dogs to scavenge. This stanza still doesn't connect with me. Having "fire" or "fate", images especially commonplace in this kind of art, be the subjects seems to me the flaw. I think the way you leaned in to "viscous black waves break closer" signifies better, and your use for this purpose of "sanguine sky" and "dogs to scavenge", both only slightly less commonplace than "fire" or "fate", elevated them.

When night lingers, the song of mourning
doves await the air
in a burst of glass and fuel. I'm in a lighter mood at the moment: I don't think this thud is as necessarily bad as I'd thought.