09-03-2020, 09:00 AM
It’s of course okay to play with rhythm in anyway you please as long as you have purpose, but I don’t really see it here. You’ve decided to make every line one breath/to have each thought end with each line. This creates an monotonous and repetitive effect and you never resolve/break it or use it for any specific way. When the happens the rhythm becomes predictable and verse and poetry’s quality of surprising and creating emphasis where one might not expect becomes wasted.
Similarly the very similar length in lines/sentences lead to very little variation in pacing.
It also is not clear to me why you choose to use no punctuation for end of lines. It’s of course a valid choice in many situations but I don’t see the reasoning for it here.
As it is these read like song lyrics, which would have musical rhythm and melody to make up for the aforementioned issues with pacing, but since this has no music to it, it doesn’t really work for me.
Similarly the very similar length in lines/sentences lead to very little variation in pacing.
It also is not clear to me why you choose to use no punctuation for end of lines. It’s of course a valid choice in many situations but I don’t see the reasoning for it here.
As it is these read like song lyrics, which would have musical rhythm and melody to make up for the aforementioned issues with pacing, but since this has no music to it, it doesn’t really work for me.