08-23-2020, 02:27 PM
Thank you Caravano and RiverNotch for your feedback. New draft is up, would love to know yalls thoughts as always
RiverNotch,
Thanks for putting me on with that quote. I tried using what I could glean from the passage, which was very insightful btw, but everything I wrote just wouldn't stick. I think some might be able to catch it (or possibly not) in what I eventually ended up with in this draft. "monuments to suffering" was written with more focus on the people who suffered rather than those who caused their suffering. Those who caused the suffering, ie the victors, if I read Benjamin's thesis correctly, would have asked the reader to simply admire the architecture of these buildings, which is a little odd in the US bc
As for the romantic aspects of the poem, I largely agree. I tried to make it less so in this draft, and leave it for the last stanza, which seemed like you found too sentimental but also seemed like you were somewhat ok with. idk, maybe with the new content leading up to the last stanza you might change your mind, would love to hear from you in that regard.
Caravano,
I think this is a poem where I don't want the N to really insert themselves into it. So that much is deliberate. As for my usage of the term dark star, that much isn't. There's a whole sciency explanation behind it concerning dark energy/matter that I don't think I've studied enough to fully grasp the term and use it. I just wanted a poetic way to say black hole
I think dead star should be good though, ty for the suggestion
I would argue that milk and honey is cheap because it's abundant in quantity, or at least that's what is promised. A little cheap, but a simple thing to symbolize the land of the free, and other lands if you want
Best,
Alex
RiverNotch,
Thanks for putting me on with that quote. I tried using what I could glean from the passage, which was very insightful btw, but everything I wrote just wouldn't stick. I think some might be able to catch it (or possibly not) in what I eventually ended up with in this draft. "monuments to suffering" was written with more focus on the people who suffered rather than those who caused their suffering. Those who caused the suffering, ie the victors, if I read Benjamin's thesis correctly, would have asked the reader to simply admire the architecture of these buildings, which is a little odd in the US bc
Caravano,
I think this is a poem where I don't want the N to really insert themselves into it. So that much is deliberate. As for my usage of the term dark star, that much isn't. There's a whole sciency explanation behind it concerning dark energy/matter that I don't think I've studied enough to fully grasp the term and use it. I just wanted a poetic way to say black hole
I think dead star should be good though, ty for the suggestionI would argue that milk and honey is cheap because it's abundant in quantity, or at least that's what is promised. A little cheap, but a simple thing to symbolize the land of the free, and other lands if you want
Best,
Alex