08-18-2020, 11:49 PM
Patriotic embers of the stolen land - useful but I would rather see it as a scene
of milk and honey fade - a little cheap
before they touch the earth - conceptual great, but needs a better line, the scene would help
like flecks of daybreak gold - a perfect line
becoming dust to the crowded shade. - that's nice
And, empty as a dark star - maybe "dead star" I have heard the Bowie song but still don't know what this means, either way make me feel empty, don't tell me I'm empty
and the pigs' suits, the buildings loom - try rearranging, i feel like there's something in here: all the sounds are correct, "the loom builds pig suits" maybe
as monuments to suffering, - with a statement like this it needs to be a statement "suffering as a monument"followed it with a bit of you, for me this would be followed by '"deep scars scribbled - gasoline vapors burnt into skin -flesh bundled tight - too keep out the light".
feeding shadow to the flowers
that burgeoned through concrete.
Beneath their jackboot grows the dream
that transcends memory and pounds
behind our ribs. Cool bright wind
carries lavender from linens
tugging on a clothesline. Now,
viscous black waves break closer.
When night lingers, the song of mourning
doves await the air
in a burst of glass and fuel.
In general it needs more of you. In general nothing lives in a vacuum. Your art can't live in a vacuum. You don't live in a vacuum. Thank you for contacting me. We are all beginners of a sort, I am only 25+ years in and I still don't understand this "box". We all know there's something amazing inside, but we can't get inside. Keep it up, write something amazing that fills me or someone else with awe. I deleted my previous comments because at the time I felt they were unnecessarily harsh. I am trying my best not to be that person. Thank you again for reaching out, I hope some of this produces fuel for the continuation of your art.
of milk and honey fade - a little cheap
before they touch the earth - conceptual great, but needs a better line, the scene would help
like flecks of daybreak gold - a perfect line
becoming dust to the crowded shade. - that's nice
And, empty as a dark star - maybe "dead star" I have heard the Bowie song but still don't know what this means, either way make me feel empty, don't tell me I'm empty
and the pigs' suits, the buildings loom - try rearranging, i feel like there's something in here: all the sounds are correct, "the loom builds pig suits" maybe
as monuments to suffering, - with a statement like this it needs to be a statement "suffering as a monument"followed it with a bit of you, for me this would be followed by '"deep scars scribbled - gasoline vapors burnt into skin -flesh bundled tight - too keep out the light".
feeding shadow to the flowers
that burgeoned through concrete.
Beneath their jackboot grows the dream
that transcends memory and pounds
behind our ribs. Cool bright wind
carries lavender from linens
tugging on a clothesline. Now,
viscous black waves break closer.
When night lingers, the song of mourning
doves await the air
in a burst of glass and fuel.
In general it needs more of you. In general nothing lives in a vacuum. Your art can't live in a vacuum. You don't live in a vacuum. Thank you for contacting me. We are all beginners of a sort, I am only 25+ years in and I still don't understand this "box". We all know there's something amazing inside, but we can't get inside. Keep it up, write something amazing that fills me or someone else with awe. I deleted my previous comments because at the time I felt they were unnecessarily harsh. I am trying my best not to be that person. Thank you again for reaching out, I hope some of this produces fuel for the continuation of your art.