08-15-2020, 02:29 PM
Darling boy, whose lips are like summer
Sangiovese, the dawn light tangles - You have accomplished a surprise in the line break, but not a distinct line as well... (fixed)
in your hair, like in a wood
intense, profound.
In dreams, the sun of Napoli - Sounds amazing
lights up the sea. On a boat, some boys. - This line is problematic; the sentence break is clunky. (Read it aloud.)
Red, malachite, and gold the day. - Nice
Their heads are haloed, golden hay - Nice
their wind swept locks. - I feel like I've read this 20 times before, maybe "wind kept locks"
They leap into a tidy sea,
and I sink deep into the depths - The rest works and well
Darling boy, whose lips are like summer
Sangiovese, the dawn tangles
in your hair, like wood.
In dreams, the sun of Napoli
lights the sea. In a boat, some boys.
Red, malachite, and gold the day.
Their heads are haloed, golden hay
their wind kept locks.
They leap into a tidy sea,
and I sink deep into the depths
Sangiovese, the dawn light tangles - You have accomplished a surprise in the line break, but not a distinct line as well... (fixed)
in your hair, like in a wood
intense, profound.
In dreams, the sun of Napoli - Sounds amazing
lights up the sea. On a boat, some boys. - This line is problematic; the sentence break is clunky. (Read it aloud.)
Red, malachite, and gold the day. - Nice
Their heads are haloed, golden hay - Nice
their wind swept locks. - I feel like I've read this 20 times before, maybe "wind kept locks"
They leap into a tidy sea,
and I sink deep into the depths - The rest works and well
Darling boy, whose lips are like summer
Sangiovese, the dawn tangles
in your hair, like wood.
In dreams, the sun of Napoli
lights the sea. In a boat, some boys.
Red, malachite, and gold the day.
Their heads are haloed, golden hay
their wind kept locks.
They leap into a tidy sea,
and I sink deep into the depths