08-08-2020, 03:44 AM
See this is what I mean. This is exactly what I'm saying.
Beauty to the side. This poem isn't here to be pretty.
"the wine is always better when she bags it,
the music, as I eat my cheese and sardines
dinner."
I think this is really funny, honestly.
"an erotic mourning rising
only a moronic animal clamor,
concentrated as the rooster at night
that cocked in dusk and darkness"
Or this:
"an erotic mourning rising
only a moronic animal clamor,
concentrated as the rooster at night
that cocked in dusk and darkness"
We all know what that rooster is up to. Nice use of double entendre and tying in the night to the morning/mourning.
"My girls keep getting thinner,
but
there's weight in all the places
to pound against my heart like the braying of a donkey."
Just stop now.
"As foul and silly to you,
as another species."
Ouch.
This poem is funny, this poem is sad. This poem is a donkey in love. Or really, a lustful donkey.
Maybe the others in the group are going to enable this alter ego to go creeping around store checkout girls and driving slowly past high schools, but I'm not having it, rowens. I'm not having it at all.
On a more serious note, does this poem need more animal symbolism in the first stanza? It would give the poem more uniformity for sure. The way it is it reads to me a bit like thesis/antithesis/synthesis. So you get the idea of the man being aware of the donkey being aware of the man. And then you get the man. And then you get the donkey. And then you get the man giving in to his ridiculous donkey nature. Which I think is fine.
Beauty to the side. This poem isn't here to be pretty.
"the wine is always better when she bags it,
the music, as I eat my cheese and sardines
dinner."
I think this is really funny, honestly.
"an erotic mourning rising
only a moronic animal clamor,
concentrated as the rooster at night
that cocked in dusk and darkness"
Or this:
"an erotic mourning rising
only a moronic animal clamor,
concentrated as the rooster at night
that cocked in dusk and darkness"
We all know what that rooster is up to. Nice use of double entendre and tying in the night to the morning/mourning.
"My girls keep getting thinner,
but
there's weight in all the places
to pound against my heart like the braying of a donkey."
Just stop now.
"As foul and silly to you,
as another species."
Ouch.
This poem is funny, this poem is sad. This poem is a donkey in love. Or really, a lustful donkey.
Maybe the others in the group are going to enable this alter ego to go creeping around store checkout girls and driving slowly past high schools, but I'm not having it, rowens. I'm not having it at all.
On a more serious note, does this poem need more animal symbolism in the first stanza? It would give the poem more uniformity for sure. The way it is it reads to me a bit like thesis/antithesis/synthesis. So you get the idea of the man being aware of the donkey being aware of the man. And then you get the man. And then you get the donkey. And then you get the man giving in to his ridiculous donkey nature. Which I think is fine.
(08-08-2020, 02:12 AM)rowens Wrote: Of my pantheon of muses, I can't rest until each one gets a few solid songs, and even then.
If any of these girls would let me talk to them without having a conniption or running for the local authority or store manager or school administer, I'd be able to actually write something about them.