06-17-2020, 08:03 AM
I very much enjoyed the rhythm of this poem. It moves so smoothly through the imagery.
The car’s warm and stagnant air holds you, (I might use a longer pause here and remove "tells you" from the next line. I believe this may underline the sense of being stuck in the familiar monotony)
tells you there is nothing you can do but sit still and ride along
You go on to fill the reader with sensory data about this ride. And I can see it all so clearly. When you move to speak on the sounds, which you give their own space, I would suggest choosing your words very carefully maybe helping the reader feel the torpor induced by this ride.
Finally, out of this recitation of mundane experience a sorrowful realization comes crashing through. I agree with magnolia flower. Let this thought crash in, without preamble.
The car’s warm and stagnant air holds you, (I might use a longer pause here and remove "tells you" from the next line. I believe this may underline the sense of being stuck in the familiar monotony)
tells you there is nothing you can do but sit still and ride along
You go on to fill the reader with sensory data about this ride. And I can see it all so clearly. When you move to speak on the sounds, which you give their own space, I would suggest choosing your words very carefully maybe helping the reader feel the torpor induced by this ride.
Finally, out of this recitation of mundane experience a sorrowful realization comes crashing through. I agree with magnolia flower. Let this thought crash in, without preamble.