06-06-2020, 05:33 AM
The poem's literalness is its strength here: "I cleared away lipstick-stained coffee cups," or "Walking home I lost the money she gave me." And the metaphoric parts feel weak: "Removed cobwebs from her lonely corners." You don't have to tell me she lives a lonely lifestyle. You have/can describe(d) it through the objects.
And the perspective of this person is just a snapshot in time. Not every poem needs to have a clear message. Although you could add some interest in the character's interaction with others. Cleaning up dirty foot prints in the linoleum isn't as enticing as saying he/she walked along the dirty footsteps before cleaning. Revise some of the cliched parts with something of interest.
And the perspective of this person is just a snapshot in time. Not every poem needs to have a clear message. Although you could add some interest in the character's interaction with others. Cleaning up dirty foot prints in the linoleum isn't as enticing as saying he/she walked along the dirty footsteps before cleaning. Revise some of the cliched parts with something of interest.