The Least of These - Edit3

[Wjames]

The Least of These


Last night I watched a cockroach vainly dash
through frantic circuits in a plastic trash "vainly dash through frantic circuits" - to me, vainly and then frantic so close is too many descriptors like that in a small space. I also think the fact that its attempt is in vain is shown later on when it is too slick and new to climb, I would change vainly. One suggestion I have for an alternative, would be "dine and dash".
receptacle with sides too slick and new
to climb.  I thought of things that I could do:
spray in some poison, crush it with a shoe,
or tip the bin outside and let it book
for home on moonless grass.  Instead I took
no action; by this morning it had died. 
Could I have helped?  Perhaps I should have tried. This last line feels like a let down to me for some reason - I like the idea, it is hard to explain why I don't think it quite works. It may be something to do with the self-asked question, and the "tried" finale sort of being given away by the clear rhyme with died. I would try and phrase it without a question, maybe using "it was dead" in the preceding line to give more rhyming options.

original version;

Last night I watched a solitary roach
run frantic circuits in a plastic trash
receptacle with sides too slick for it
to climb.  I thought of things that I could do:
spray in some poison, crush it with a shoe,
or tip the bin outside and let it crawl
away on moonless grass.  Instead I took
no action; in the morning it was dead.
But now I feel I’ve somehow failed a test.

I enjoyed this, I like the rhyming for the most part, myself. I tend to like smaller poems about a single moment/event that aren't trying to say something grand, and this hits the spot for me.

I am no meter expert, I rarely write in meter, so take this next bit with a grain of salt, I think your meter might get wonky in "action; by" - to my scan, tion is stressed.

Thanks for sharing.