Green

[Pinprick]

I like the rhyme scheme of this poem, it's easy and flows well. However, there are a few things I did not understand.

In L1, you say, eyes green like glass. Do you mean green eyes like glass? Because the former qualifies the glass as being green. I am not sure if that's what you were going for.
You say you do not hear her screams see a look of surprise in her eyes. What is the surprise, and what is causing you regret?
Otherwise, I like the simplicity of the poem.

Thanks for the comment. Yes, I did mean for the glass to be referred to as green. I’m sure it seems silly, but there was a video game I played in my youth that had glass weapons and armor in it, and they were depicted green. I really liked the way they looked, so it just sort of stuck with me. I envisioned this poem as being about someone, the narrator, who witnessed a murder and is having issues dealing with the trauma of it; the guilt of not being able to prevent it, etc. Therefore, the female has a look of surprise once she discovers that the stranger intended on killing her. It’s implied that she did scream, but the narrator, for whatever reason, made eye contact with the victim when she was killed, so that is what haunts him/her.

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I think you have something here, I feel like you should split the lines into three stanzas for a better read, even to the reader, also I feel like this poem has some sadness in it judging by how I am reading this. Interesting though, I like sad poems because they always have a light at the end of the tunnel but this one doesn't. It is also to my knowledge that this poem is rather limerick-ish, especially with the two first lines, may I ask why? It feels inappropriate like what dukealien said. it seems like there is also something else in the piece, a strange set of rhymes, were you trying to create a poetic form? I feel like you should re-write the poem and start from the beginning again, and write something like free verse as that might be better.

Honestly, I basically have no technical knowledge of poetic forms, meter, etc. So the fact that it is like a limerick is unintentional. I choose to basically ignore the technical aspects of poetry in favor of the content, for better or worse. I just wouldn’t enjoy writing if I had to complete the task of counting syllables, etc. But I do like the challenge of writing a story that rhymes, and that is basically my approach. That being said, learning how others that are knowledgeable and attentive to technicality receive my poetry is helpful, so I do appreciate your feedback.