04-26-2020, 12:52 AM
(04-02-2020, 01:06 AM)LSClanton Wrote: A leaf is pinned to the stream bedFrom this poem I get the feeling of nature as a shifting thing that must always be in flux to allow for new birth. I think the poem is operating the best when your using inventive images from the natural world to serve as metaphor. I thought some of the rhymes were more subtle than others, a few of them felt a little forced impression/possession gravity/cavity for example. Just my 2cents, thnx for sharing your poem.
forced flat by Winter’s raw
and wrathful storms now weeping, fed Hmm, I like the images here but I get a bit hung up on who's weeping, and what are the drops? I believe its the storm weeping and the storms are also drops, but I think the grammar makes it little unclear. Maybe its just me...
as drops into the thaw.
Change is mess and dirt and grit
but soft and molded too
For novel needs it shifts and drifts
Seeping, creeping toward the root. I could really follow the rhythm in this stanza
Dripping, sticking, sweetening sap
Sweating from hearts of trees Evocative Image!
They will also bleed This line feels flat, and if it didn't break your form I could see you omitting it all-together, as the previous line feeds into the next just as well without it.
From wounds gathered from the frost and freeze
I step beneath the open sky
I sink, displacing gravity
Bearing all of which is mine-
Spring cleaning of a cavity.
I reach out in acknowledgement
To touch the seeping earth
The loss of life ferments
And allows for a new birth. I think this is what your poem is largely about, but these two lines may veer a little on the telling side where you've done such a good job with images earleir.
Tongues probe between my fingers Interesting!
I hold a hand that lingers
As I make an impression
Holding possession Not sure how to understand this stanza, but the first line is vivid
Of that which does not exist.
The breeze dries my knuckles
And there, cracks an itching kiss
I leave you with my mark and fossil. Fossil is unexpected. It makes me think about the way we leave our impression on nature, nice.
With love,
The Earth’s apostle I think you can omit these last two lines I leave you with my mark and fossil feels like a stronger ending.

