04-07-2020, 09:52 AM
Thanks for sharing, a few thoughts:
Like mlea, I too was confused by the pore metaphor. Perhaps atom might be a better word choice, unless you were going into this metaphor to mean that your skin (like an outer shell) refused to let go of the earthly tethers. Especially when the second line comes, I cannot see a pore "grasp".
Maybe another way of wording it would be to say that your arms and hands refuse to let go in order to connect it more to the second line. Especially since the poem evokes "the body" so much, calling out more tangible parts (arms, hands, legs) could be good. And if you were to do this you could write something really cool like
how do I let go when my arms and hands simply refuse
and grasp onto the solid ground rooting me to the center of the earth
Which like you become rooted instead of holding onto somethings that's rooted. Instead of having an intermediary between you and the Earth (which is what you want to let go?)
and, I, notice my body writhing, below, in the dusty ground
Here I just think that the first two commas are just superfluous. It is too awkwardly broken apart.
Also in your last line, I think you might have meant "dawn" instead of "dusk". As if a new day if you didn't mean that just ignore it.
But really cool draft, I really enjoyed it.
Like mlea, I too was confused by the pore metaphor. Perhaps atom might be a better word choice, unless you were going into this metaphor to mean that your skin (like an outer shell) refused to let go of the earthly tethers. Especially when the second line comes, I cannot see a pore "grasp".
Maybe another way of wording it would be to say that your arms and hands refuse to let go in order to connect it more to the second line. Especially since the poem evokes "the body" so much, calling out more tangible parts (arms, hands, legs) could be good. And if you were to do this you could write something really cool like
how do I let go when my arms and hands simply refuse
and grasp onto the solid ground rooting me to the center of the earth
Which like you become rooted instead of holding onto somethings that's rooted. Instead of having an intermediary between you and the Earth (which is what you want to let go?)
and, I, notice my body writhing, below, in the dusty ground
Here I just think that the first two commas are just superfluous. It is too awkwardly broken apart.
Also in your last line, I think you might have meant "dawn" instead of "dusk". As if a new day if you didn't mean that just ignore it.
But really cool draft, I really enjoyed it.