04-06-2020, 06:37 AM
Thank you for sharing this! I had a few thoughts:
I was a little confused by the image of pores grasping and being unable to let go. I think of a pore as being an opening or an outlet, something that excretes toxins. Perhaps you could say they "refuse to open". Pores are most commonly associated with the skin, so I was imagining the skin (or outside) being solidly rooted to the center of the Earth, while the rest of the body (the inside) was being blown around in a tornado. When the narrator's mind steps back and looks at his (presumably intact) body writhing on the ground, this image stopped making sense to me.
I would think a little more about the metaphor you are going for. From the title and first line, it seems like the narrator wants to let go of this solid trunk that is rooting him to the Earth, but as the reader, I don't understand why. That trunk seems like the most peaceful part of the story. Then instead of physically letting go, he keeps holding on, but mentally abandons his body. Is that the type of letting go you were after all along? Why does he need to return another day, and why at dusk?
I think that elaborating on the reason for letting go would help clarify the message of this poem. I also think more reflection about the image of the narrator's body is warranted. Carefully consider how you want the reader to picture the physical manifestation of this internal conflict.
Overall a great start! I like the drama of the imagery and the open-ended nature of the struggle. Keep writing!
I was a little confused by the image of pores grasping and being unable to let go. I think of a pore as being an opening or an outlet, something that excretes toxins. Perhaps you could say they "refuse to open". Pores are most commonly associated with the skin, so I was imagining the skin (or outside) being solidly rooted to the center of the Earth, while the rest of the body (the inside) was being blown around in a tornado. When the narrator's mind steps back and looks at his (presumably intact) body writhing on the ground, this image stopped making sense to me.
I would think a little more about the metaphor you are going for. From the title and first line, it seems like the narrator wants to let go of this solid trunk that is rooting him to the Earth, but as the reader, I don't understand why. That trunk seems like the most peaceful part of the story. Then instead of physically letting go, he keeps holding on, but mentally abandons his body. Is that the type of letting go you were after all along? Why does he need to return another day, and why at dusk?
I think that elaborating on the reason for letting go would help clarify the message of this poem. I also think more reflection about the image of the narrator's body is warranted. Carefully consider how you want the reader to picture the physical manifestation of this internal conflict.
Overall a great start! I like the drama of the imagery and the open-ended nature of the struggle. Keep writing!