04-06-2020, 05:35 AM
Wow, I thought this was beautiful! It brought me to Vermont in late March. I have included a few thoughts and suggestions below, but of course, stick to your voice!
I think the enjambment and the ABAB rhyme scheme in the first stanza is a very effective start.
In the second stanza, I wonder if there is a better word than "mess"? Dirt and grit are vivid images, and in contrast "mess" feels a little on the nose.
When you say "For novel needs it shifts and drifts", are you implying that the change in the seasons is driven by changing needs of the flora? From this line, I get the impression that you believe change is not an external force, but something created by an internal changing need. This is an interesting stance, but I don't see it further explored in the poem, so I wonder if I am reading it incorrectly. Later, when "The loss of life ferments and allows for a new birth" it sounds to me like the external force of changing seasons has created internal change in the flora, not the other way around.
I think the transition between stanza 2 and 3 is excellent. I would consider replacing one of the "froms" in "From wounds gathered from the frost and freeze".
The introduction of the narrator in stanza 4 is an interesting turn. Through the rest of the poem, I felt a little unsure who the narrator really is. The line "Bearing all of which is mine" makes the narrator sound like an omnipresent force, but the prolonged image of leaving one handprint on the earth seems like a small contribution in comparison. The sign off as Earth's apostle labels the narrator as a supporter and messenger for the Earth, but was the message the handprint? And if so, was the "you" it was left for the Earth itself? So is the narrator speaking FOR or speaking TO the Earth? In the end, I am not fully sure of the narrator's role, but I definitely spent some time trying to piece it together and maybe that was the point?
Personally, I like the changing rhyme scheme in stanza 6 because I think it sets the readers up for the tone change in stanza 7. However, sometimes switching the rhyme scheme throws people off, so I would just think about its purpose in the poem.
Thank you for this lovely read!
I think the enjambment and the ABAB rhyme scheme in the first stanza is a very effective start.
In the second stanza, I wonder if there is a better word than "mess"? Dirt and grit are vivid images, and in contrast "mess" feels a little on the nose.
When you say "For novel needs it shifts and drifts", are you implying that the change in the seasons is driven by changing needs of the flora? From this line, I get the impression that you believe change is not an external force, but something created by an internal changing need. This is an interesting stance, but I don't see it further explored in the poem, so I wonder if I am reading it incorrectly. Later, when "The loss of life ferments and allows for a new birth" it sounds to me like the external force of changing seasons has created internal change in the flora, not the other way around.
I think the transition between stanza 2 and 3 is excellent. I would consider replacing one of the "froms" in "From wounds gathered from the frost and freeze".
The introduction of the narrator in stanza 4 is an interesting turn. Through the rest of the poem, I felt a little unsure who the narrator really is. The line "Bearing all of which is mine" makes the narrator sound like an omnipresent force, but the prolonged image of leaving one handprint on the earth seems like a small contribution in comparison. The sign off as Earth's apostle labels the narrator as a supporter and messenger for the Earth, but was the message the handprint? And if so, was the "you" it was left for the Earth itself? So is the narrator speaking FOR or speaking TO the Earth? In the end, I am not fully sure of the narrator's role, but I definitely spent some time trying to piece it together and maybe that was the point?
Personally, I like the changing rhyme scheme in stanza 6 because I think it sets the readers up for the tone change in stanza 7. However, sometimes switching the rhyme scheme throws people off, so I would just think about its purpose in the poem.
Thank you for this lovely read!