04-02-2020, 09:30 AM
spocktorock,
Welcome to the site.
The first three stanzas seem like a circular argument. I am evil, but I am not. There is not much support for this, just a statement.
The rhymes seem driven (not quite forced), especially as they come so rapidly. "sin" is rhymed a number of times. "Hide" is rhymed with itself, which I don't consider a rhyme, it is just repetition. In fact there is a lot of repetition in general, i.e.
"Wearing me
And wearing me thin"
In the later stanzas the rhyme falters badly and as there is nothing besides rhyme to move this (no meter, cadence or rhythm), that is quite problematic.
Probably adding some sentence structure would help to keep this from feeling as one long run-on sentence.
As this is basic I had probably stop here.
best,
dale
Welcome to the site.
The first three stanzas seem like a circular argument. I am evil, but I am not. There is not much support for this, just a statement.
The rhymes seem driven (not quite forced), especially as they come so rapidly. "sin" is rhymed a number of times. "Hide" is rhymed with itself, which I don't consider a rhyme, it is just repetition. In fact there is a lot of repetition in general, i.e.
"Wearing me
And wearing me thin"
In the later stanzas the rhyme falters badly and as there is nothing besides rhyme to move this (no meter, cadence or rhythm), that is quite problematic.
Probably adding some sentence structure would help to keep this from feeling as one long run-on sentence.
As this is basic I had probably stop here.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.