04-02-2020, 01:31 AM
Hi mlea 
I enjoyed your poem. You did a great job using very vivid imagery. I can tell you write a lot
Here's my critique (which is in blue).
Upon a misty morning, through predicted dew
I saw a figure shadowed, maybe it was you.
"Maybe it was you" sounds a bit rhymey. I think rewording it would tighten your poem up a bit and help with the flow.
Too shy to step much closer, or to step away
I'm frozen. In decision. Still enough to pray
I think making "I'm frozen" and "In decision" one sentence would help with the flow of the poem.
for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years
of missed intentions. Actions cleaved from thoughts. Unread
designs, unopened notes. Instead. Unwrought. My smile
met not with pleasure. Glance remains unseen. Fragile
attempts stay undercover. Fight dissolves to dream.
In the stanza above you start changing up your flow. In all the other stanzas, your rhyming line one and line two and in the above stanza, lines 1 and 3 rhyme and lines 2 and 4 rhyme. I think reworking this to create a consistent rhyming pattern throughout would help with the flow of the poem.
I blinked and it was over; cannot make you stay
The place you stood glows empty, morning turned to day.
My heart's a figure lighter, hollowed in my chest
A friendship lost, a path untread. Of mist - unrest.
I loved those lines!
*I like to add with my critiques that poetry is a work of art and just because I (or whoever) makes a suggestion, you as the artist should go with your own artistic vision of how you want your poem to be. I only add that because I've belonged to other writing forums where some members feel conflicted about changing their work because others say so. Don't do that: Follow your own vision and only use the critique if *you* feel the critique works better in your poem. I'm off my soap box now
I enjoyed your poem. You did a great job using very vivid imagery. I can tell you write a lot Here's my critique (which is in blue).
Upon a misty morning, through predicted dew
I saw a figure shadowed, maybe it was you.
"Maybe it was you" sounds a bit rhymey. I think rewording it would tighten your poem up a bit and help with the flow.
Too shy to step much closer, or to step away
I'm frozen. In decision. Still enough to pray
I think making "I'm frozen" and "In decision" one sentence would help with the flow of the poem.
for inner turmoil banished - act now, do not think!
Extend a hand, unfurl a smile. Through mist, a wink
of comprehension. Separate lives can be adhered
And solitude upended. Put to rest the years
of missed intentions. Actions cleaved from thoughts. Unread
designs, unopened notes. Instead. Unwrought. My smile
met not with pleasure. Glance remains unseen. Fragile
attempts stay undercover. Fight dissolves to dream.
In the stanza above you start changing up your flow. In all the other stanzas, your rhyming line one and line two and in the above stanza, lines 1 and 3 rhyme and lines 2 and 4 rhyme. I think reworking this to create a consistent rhyming pattern throughout would help with the flow of the poem.
I blinked and it was over; cannot make you stay
The place you stood glows empty, morning turned to day.
My heart's a figure lighter, hollowed in my chest
A friendship lost, a path untread. Of mist - unrest.
I loved those lines!
*I like to add with my critiques that poetry is a work of art and just because I (or whoever) makes a suggestion, you as the artist should go with your own artistic vision of how you want your poem to be. I only add that because I've belonged to other writing forums where some members feel conflicted about changing their work because others say so. Don't do that: Follow your own vision and only use the critique if *you* feel the critique works better in your poem. I'm off my soap box now