03-31-2020, 06:20 AM
I love your concept! I agree with the previous commenters and would recommend re-reading and considering places you can "show" rather than "tell". I think the introductory lines of the first two stanzas could particularly use attention in this area:
"My steady gaze reveals the glow in my eyes"
and
"It is a useful metaphor to show contrast"
Your metaphor is strong enough to stand on its own and doesn't need to be pointed out so directly. The third and fourth stanzas are where the poem really shines. I think the alliteration with the letter "s" works at the end. I was a little confused by your rhyme scheme because there seemed to be some rhyming phrases sprinkled at random throughout. For example in the lines:
"If you fled from the dark and only lived in the light
You'd impair your sight, become blind to your flaws"
the sentence structure feels a bit forced in order to make a rhyme work that I don't think you need. Overall, it's a good draft. Don't be scared to keep only the best parts in your revision.
"My steady gaze reveals the glow in my eyes"
and
"It is a useful metaphor to show contrast"
Your metaphor is strong enough to stand on its own and doesn't need to be pointed out so directly. The third and fourth stanzas are where the poem really shines. I think the alliteration with the letter "s" works at the end. I was a little confused by your rhyme scheme because there seemed to be some rhyming phrases sprinkled at random throughout. For example in the lines:
"If you fled from the dark and only lived in the light
You'd impair your sight, become blind to your flaws"
the sentence structure feels a bit forced in order to make a rhyme work that I don't think you need. Overall, it's a good draft. Don't be scared to keep only the best parts in your revision.