03-13-2020, 10:21 PM
.
Hi Dale,
enjoyed the read (though S4 seemed more filler than meat) and perhaps the final line needs to be revisited
(even just cutting the last word might lift it a bit). I think it need stightening, and some specific word choices
could/should? be addressed, not to mention some of the punctuation.
Comments and suggestions(which are bound to mess with your meter/rhythm) below
I read Prufrock again today
and as always it had its sway
- like the opening, though would prefer a different title.
'had its sway' doesn't work at all. 'Held sway' or 'had its way', pick one personally I'd be tempted by
and, as so oft, it had its way
with me, while I drank my tea
my emerald green and tasteless tea.
- nice couplet. (but 'emerald' though?)
Such libations I rarely notice
- 'libations' seems to be trying too hard
(and if 'rarely notice' why is this one noted?)
such beverages I barely notice
blending, as they do, with the bland-
as they blend with the bland-
ness of my Milquetoast life.
Did you hear I lost my wife?
It sat well I think with me
- the phrasing seems entirely rhyme driven, and noticeable for that.
It sits, I think, quite well with me
but I can't relate it to the next line.
so much for that and my tea.
I dangle my finger in the sea
- Rather an abrupt change, mid verse.
I dip my little finger in the sea
and I try to Let It Be
(I) no longer a tempest
in a teapot tossed
(I becalmed) no longer at a loss.
- Might be interesting to move the 'tea/sea/tempest' lines elsewhere (the 'Post-Modern verse, for instance) and go from the opening three lines straight into the next verse.
Did you hear I lost my wife?
It sits, I think, quite well with me
so much for that and my tea.
Though I feel unfulfilled
- Be nice if the 'reader' was addressed here, as in the preceding verse.
and maybe I always will
this emptiness now suits me.
I have no desire to fill this hole
in fact I feel much more whole
being bereft of that burning coal.
- 'bereft' doesn't really work that well.
this emptiness now suits me.
No desire, have I, to fill this hole,
in fact, I feel that much more whole
being unburdened of that burning coal.
A Post Modern man am I
- any chance of a modifier to Post-Modern?
(Like the G&S sound of the line )
with large belly and skinny thigh.
- 'thigh' really needs to be plural.
I constantly feel as though I'm high
though I haven't toked a thing.
- how does this 'feeling high' relate to
'Milquetoast life'?
A placid post-modern man am I
a Buddha's belly and skinny thighs
constantly feeling …
... I dangle my finger in the sea ...
The scar is there from my wedding ring
- Wonder if this scar here ... is more immediate?
for a life tattooed
- not working for me, not after 'scar'.
from a life of servitude.
Still I am no more a prude
nor less and no pride do I have;
- 'nor less and no' ? Not following this. It seems to say that N is, precisely, a prude, and one without pride.
love has whittled me to a point
a singularity of thought
as though enlivened by a drought.
- perhaps 'concentrated' rather than 'enlivened'?
I've no need of a way out
- don't like the contraction here, it's the first in the piece and feels intrusive.
though rains do not fall.
- given 'drought' this seems unnecessarily repetitious.
In fact no moisture here at all
for plants to grow and they do not.
My landscape sere
and I have nothing left to fear.
- I think you could cut all the lines after 'drought' and go from there to 'Thus, in my …'
Thus in my solitude I sit
minding it, not a bit
in this desert of my contentment
I (have found) myself , (again,
reading Prufrock)
Best, Knot
.
Hi Dale,
enjoyed the read (though S4 seemed more filler than meat) and perhaps the final line needs to be revisited
(even just cutting the last word might lift it a bit). I think it need stightening, and some specific word choices
could/should? be addressed, not to mention some of the punctuation.
Comments and suggestions(which are bound to mess with your meter/rhythm) below
I read Prufrock again today
and as always it had its sway
- like the opening, though would prefer a different title.
'had its sway' doesn't work at all. 'Held sway' or 'had its way', pick one
personally I'd be tempted byand, as so oft, it had its way
with me, while I drank my tea
my emerald green and tasteless tea.
- nice couplet. (but 'emerald' though?)
Such libations I rarely notice
- 'libations' seems to be trying too hard
(and if 'rarely notice' why is this one noted?)
such beverages I barely notice
blending, as they do, with the bland-
as they blend with the bland-
ness of my Milquetoast life.
Did you hear I lost my wife?
It sat well I think with me
- the phrasing seems entirely rhyme driven, and noticeable for that.
It sits, I think, quite well with me
but I can't relate it to the next line.
so much for that and my tea.
I dangle my finger in the sea
- Rather an abrupt change, mid verse.
I dip my little finger in the sea
and I try to Let It Be
(I) no longer a tempest
in a teapot tossed
(I becalmed) no longer at a loss.
- Might be interesting to move the 'tea/sea/tempest' lines elsewhere (the 'Post-Modern verse, for instance) and go from the opening three lines straight into the next verse.
Did you hear I lost my wife?
It sits, I think, quite well with me
so much for that and my tea.
Though I feel unfulfilled
- Be nice if the 'reader' was addressed here, as in the preceding verse.
and maybe I always will
this emptiness now suits me.
I have no desire to fill this hole
in fact I feel much more whole
being bereft of that burning coal.
- 'bereft' doesn't really work that well.
this emptiness now suits me.
No desire, have I, to fill this hole,
in fact, I feel that much more whole
being unburdened of that burning coal.
A Post Modern man am I
- any chance of a modifier to Post-Modern?
(Like the G&S sound of the line
)with large belly and skinny thigh.
- 'thigh' really needs to be plural.
I constantly feel as though I'm high
though I haven't toked a thing.
- how does this 'feeling high' relate to
'Milquetoast life'?
A placid post-modern man am I
a Buddha's belly and skinny thighs
constantly feeling …
... I dangle my finger in the sea ...
The scar is there from my wedding ring
- Wonder if this scar here ... is more immediate?
for a life tattooed
- not working for me, not after 'scar'.
from a life of servitude.
Still I am no more a prude
nor less and no pride do I have;
- 'nor less and no' ? Not following this. It seems to say that N is, precisely, a prude, and one without pride.
love has whittled me to a point
a singularity of thought
as though enlivened by a drought.
- perhaps 'concentrated' rather than 'enlivened'?
I've no need of a way out
- don't like the contraction here, it's the first in the piece and feels intrusive.
though rains do not fall.
- given 'drought' this seems unnecessarily repetitious.
In fact no moisture here at all
for plants to grow and they do not.
My landscape sere
and I have nothing left to fear.
- I think you could cut all the lines after 'drought' and go from there to 'Thus, in my …'
Thus in my solitude I sit
minding it, not a bit
in this desert of my contentment
I (have found) myself , (again,
reading Prufrock)
Best, Knot
.