03-11-2020, 04:57 AM
easywayout,
Is there something called the "blue thorn-flower," that is this is a proper name? If not, it should probably be "blue thorned flowers", especially if the thorns are not "blue".
Not wild about the enjambment on S1 L2, doesn't seem to do anything. Seems like enjambment for enjambment's sake.
Reads smoother without the comma after "Elsewhere". The comma at the end of the same line could be deleted as the ending of the line does the same thing.
Not wild about the caps of each line, makes the reading more difficult and there is really no point in doing so except for affectation's sake.
I noted all three of these because they made me pause during the reading and took me out of the poem.
Not wild about the title, but if it is not blatant people will probably miss the connection.
Overall a nice tight little poem.
best,
dale
Is there something called the "blue thorn-flower," that is this is a proper name? If not, it should probably be "blue thorned flowers", especially if the thorns are not "blue".
Not wild about the enjambment on S1 L2, doesn't seem to do anything. Seems like enjambment for enjambment's sake.
Reads smoother without the comma after "Elsewhere". The comma at the end of the same line could be deleted as the ending of the line does the same thing.
Not wild about the caps of each line, makes the reading more difficult and there is really no point in doing so except for affectation's sake.
I noted all three of these because they made me pause during the reading and took me out of the poem.
Not wild about the title, but if it is not blatant people will probably miss the connection.
Overall a nice tight little poem.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.