02-27-2020, 08:45 PM
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Hi xyroph,
lots to like (if that's the appropriate word) here, an ugly story effectively told.
The tone is excellent (('a waste of his goodwill' and 'a dog coming to crown itself ...'
are just a couple of the standout parts, for me. There are lots more!)
It really comes down to the editing (in my opinion).
S1.
The bay below,
disguising its depth in glitter,
was ready to catch me nonetheless.
- good lines, but they rather interrupt the flow (and they give away too much too soon).
S2.
complaint to describe Nothing grows here seems a little late in arriving.
I'm not sure that him complaining matters. Does it? It might be better to cut that part and
just go to 'I felt the summer oak ...'
S3.
anything better than 'dig'?
-- felt a surging terror of the oak thicket
and brush as he guided me.
I get lost in this, it's the 'of the oak thicket'
S4.
I resisted, for the first time, so quietly, being
- Do you mean N resisted that first time, or that now N is describing another incident
and here he/she resists for the first time?
if he hurt me the least.
- Doesn't really make sense (how could the next man know his hurting would be the least?)
but the emotion works.
Just a suggestion.
Nothing grows here, he said
as we climbed the steep path, weaving
like a circlet around the crest of Angel Island.
I felt the summer oak, the rattlesnake grass
I couldn’t bring myself to hold his hand.
I’d never believed in evil - but in the hurt
and hungry, that a dog will bite
when it’s afraid - until I felt his fingers
claw into my arm, for some slight
I had never intended, And felt in that grip
his need to salt every inch of my earth
dragged into those summer woods
like an easy kill, a waste of his good will
I wanted to shout a warning
to the birds up ahead in the oak thicket
that a dog was coming to crown himself
in the snow of their feathers,
and that he was not mine.
(maybe needs a new line here?)
making promises
In those slavering jaws,
to the next man,
that I’d love him
if he hurt me the least.
I wasn’t always this small.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
.
Hi xyroph,
lots to like (if that's the appropriate word) here, an ugly story effectively told.
The tone is excellent (('a waste of his goodwill' and 'a dog coming to crown itself ...'
are just a couple of the standout parts, for me. There are lots more!)
It really comes down to the editing (in my opinion).
S1.
The bay below,
disguising its depth in glitter,
was ready to catch me nonetheless.
- good lines, but they rather interrupt the flow (and they give away too much too soon).
S2.
complaint to describe Nothing grows here seems a little late in arriving.
I'm not sure that him complaining matters. Does it? It might be better to cut that part and
just go to 'I felt the summer oak ...'
S3.
anything better than 'dig'?
-- felt a surging terror of the oak thicket
and brush as he guided me.
I get lost in this, it's the 'of the oak thicket'
S4.
I resisted, for the first time, so quietly, being
- Do you mean N resisted that first time, or that now N is describing another incident
and here he/she resists for the first time?
if he hurt me the least.
- Doesn't really make sense (how could the next man know his hurting would be the least?)
but the emotion works.
Just a suggestion.
Nothing grows here, he said
as we climbed the steep path, weaving
like a circlet around the crest of Angel Island.
I felt the summer oak, the rattlesnake grass
I couldn’t bring myself to hold his hand.
I’d never believed in evil - but in the hurt
and hungry, that a dog will bite
when it’s afraid - until I felt his fingers
claw into my arm, for some slight
I had never intended, And felt in that grip
his need to salt every inch of my earth
dragged into those summer woods
like an easy kill, a waste of his good will
I wanted to shout a warning
to the birds up ahead in the oak thicket
that a dog was coming to crown himself
in the snow of their feathers,
and that he was not mine.
(maybe needs a new line here?)
making promises
In those slavering jaws,
to the next man,
that I’d love him
if he hurt me the least.
I wasn’t always this small.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
.