01-05-2020, 08:54 PM
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Hi Alex,
I'm with duke on this, admiring of the attempt so reluctant to criticise.
That said ... that it isn't metered is fine (apparently), but it's biggest weakness, for me, is the enjambments.
You break to end the line on the relevant word and it shows (S1/L3 for instance).
As a consequence some of the lines seem almost surreal (S1/L4, is the 'room' 'now stirred'? Or S2/L2, are
your feet in the 'fir tree'?)
S1/L3 - 'as' for 'of'?
S3/L1 - might be less ambiguous if 'still' (which could apply to N or 'them') were replaced with 'while'.
Following duke on the 'simplification', you've both 'glow' and 'incandescent' in S6, making'glow' almost
certainly redundant. (See also 'ardour' (not the best word) and 'frenzied').
I'm not convinced you've picked the best (six) words to work with - 'sleep' in particular becomes worn and
uninteresting very quickly in this piece (and 'dwindled' isn't much better).
(As an aside, in S1 'once sleep had finally arrived' is followed by 'I stumble' and the rest
of the poem in which everyone is awake. Confused by that.)
I'm left wondering if this subject suits this form (which, apparently, is typically used for complaints).
I'm not sure it does.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Alex,
I'm with duke on this, admiring of the attempt so reluctant to criticise.
That said ... that it isn't metered is fine (apparently), but it's biggest weakness, for me, is the enjambments.
You break to end the line on the relevant word and it shows (S1/L3 for instance).
As a consequence some of the lines seem almost surreal (S1/L4, is the 'room' 'now stirred'? Or S2/L2, are
your feet in the 'fir tree'?)
S1/L3 - 'as' for 'of'?
S3/L1 - might be less ambiguous if 'still' (which could apply to N or 'them') were replaced with 'while'.
Following duke on the 'simplification', you've both 'glow' and 'incandescent' in S6, making'glow' almost
certainly redundant. (See also 'ardour' (not the best word) and 'frenzied').
I'm not convinced you've picked the best (six) words to work with - 'sleep' in particular becomes worn and
uninteresting very quickly in this piece (and 'dwindled' isn't much better).
(As an aside, in S1 'once sleep had finally arrived' is followed by 'I stumble' and the rest
of the poem in which everyone is awake. Confused by that.)
I'm left wondering if this subject suits this form (which, apparently, is typically used for complaints).
I'm not sure it does.
Best, Knot
.