12-30-2019, 12:04 AM
Hi,
I understand your sentiment in this poem and so in that way it is successful. However, I believe there are quite a few cliched lines and idea here, and also some words that don't seem to fit the tone of the rest of poem.
Just my thoughts. I'm new here and I hope you find this helpful.
EmBee
quote="AlexTheAsian21" pid='247654' dateline='1573049067']
A whisper in the wind,
A light in the the night,
Every time you smile my world gets so bright,
As endless as the ocean, (sounds cliched... maybe use a different simile)
As potent as a potion,
Your love drives my every single motion,
Until time has ceased,
Or my soul is leased, (I'm not sure I understand what you mean by a leased soul)
My love for you will never end. ( This is also a cliche)
I often wonder if you think about me,
I think of you as I lay in bed,
Every time I’m around you I overthink on what I said,
Did you understand that I was kidding, and what I said was just a joke,
Do you know that I think you’re amazing and not like normal folk, ( wonder if you could change the word 'folk'. For me, it doesn't seem to suit your other word choices)
You’re so confident and outgoing, bright and so bubbly,
Do you enjoy my company even though I’m a bit stubbly,
You give me hope, we do our dance, the game seems to be in play,
But you cause me to think too much when you’re cold to me the next day,
What did I do, what is the problem, how do I fix what we were,
I just want what we had that causes my heart to stir,
I wonder if you think about me ever or at all,
Truth be told I wrote this poem because I know I stall. (I don't really understand what you mean by 'I stall'... I guess I tend to think of a car that stalls.. )
[/quote]
I understand your sentiment in this poem and so in that way it is successful. However, I believe there are quite a few cliched lines and idea here, and also some words that don't seem to fit the tone of the rest of poem.
Just my thoughts. I'm new here and I hope you find this helpful.
EmBee
quote="AlexTheAsian21" pid='247654' dateline='1573049067']
A whisper in the wind,
A light in the the night,
Every time you smile my world gets so bright,
As endless as the ocean, (sounds cliched... maybe use a different simile)
As potent as a potion,
Your love drives my every single motion,
Until time has ceased,
Or my soul is leased, (I'm not sure I understand what you mean by a leased soul)
My love for you will never end. ( This is also a cliche)
I often wonder if you think about me,
I think of you as I lay in bed,
Every time I’m around you I overthink on what I said,
Did you understand that I was kidding, and what I said was just a joke,
Do you know that I think you’re amazing and not like normal folk, ( wonder if you could change the word 'folk'. For me, it doesn't seem to suit your other word choices)
You’re so confident and outgoing, bright and so bubbly,
Do you enjoy my company even though I’m a bit stubbly,
You give me hope, we do our dance, the game seems to be in play,
But you cause me to think too much when you’re cold to me the next day,
What did I do, what is the problem, how do I fix what we were,
I just want what we had that causes my heart to stir,
I wonder if you think about me ever or at all,
Truth be told I wrote this poem because I know I stall. (I don't really understand what you mean by 'I stall'... I guess I tend to think of a car that stalls.. )
[/quote]