The last note

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback Billy. I am trying to draw an analogy between the events that were confined to a room and a poem on a page- both limited in their physical presence but with impactful emotional and intellectual reach. Version 3 with new title:

brevity is often helpful in making a poem speak louder. watch out for miss-matched meter if you're rhyming. after a while you can mix it up a little but learn how meter works first. look in our poetry practice forum for ideas.

here's an example of what i mean without rewriting it. [using your own words give or take; notice the meter

The Departure

You left the key to a vacant room,
Within which whispered wishes bloomed.
Suffering silence, poems unread,
Venous ink, I languished in bed.

i'm not say the above is your poem, just trying to show how decent meter can help a poem that rhymes. if you can't yet work out meter work with a syllable count but make sure it sounds okay when read aloud. if i'm overstepping with the examples just let me know as i don't wish to offend.

The Departure

You left me the key to your vacant room,
Within which whispered wishes bloomed.
Now suffering in silence, a poem unread,
Ink spilled from my veins, I languish in bed.

I shake off the dust, light pages on fire.
Take back your ornament and hollow inquire! for me the inquire doesn't work that well. can you improve on it?
Ash you’ll step into upon your return, this line uses reverse syntax. old poems used to use it but now the language has changeth, it's ok in a period poem but in general it's a no no. You’ll step into ash upon your return,
Proof I was here before we adjourned.