12-20-2019, 02:39 AM
Hello from one newbie to another!
First thought - your poem needs a title! (I'm assuming the title of your post was not the title of the poem).
Second - I think you have a few beautiful messages that you are trying to get across (the constancy of love against nature's changing faces, the incomprehensible interconnectedness of individuals, the cycle of life/death in things big and small; all this against a sensual backdrop established in the first section) but the execution can be improved. The language is romantic but can also be confusing and I think doesn't dig deep enough into any one message. I would love to see you focus each section on a concept (you have sort of already done this) and tighten the language. For example:
I
I love your body the way I love wheat fields through the seasons, --- can you modify this into a metaphor and eliminate "I love...the way I love..."
The landscape of my commute --- nice line
Bringing both delight and glad wonder that there should still be delight. --- not sure "glad" adds anything here
When the repeating unique angles of the sun, through hours, through months, matter ----"repeating" and "unique" work against each other in this line. Maybe try "circadian" or something else that represents a cyclical changing phenomenon
To let me not forget how much there is to love. This is where you can be deeper. How do the angles of the sun allow you to not forget how much there is to love? What do they reveal to you that you would not otherwise be aware of in their absence?
Smooth and rough growths play their different games together in the same light, -- "growths" is a confusing word here and I am not sure what you mean.
Being the ebb and flow of each other, -- without a clear understanding of what you mean in the first line, this line risks sounding like word salad
companions in refraction.
My eyes cannot hold it all.
I hope this gives you a start. Can't wait to see a revision eventually! I think you have here the start of something magnificent.
First thought - your poem needs a title! (I'm assuming the title of your post was not the title of the poem).
Second - I think you have a few beautiful messages that you are trying to get across (the constancy of love against nature's changing faces, the incomprehensible interconnectedness of individuals, the cycle of life/death in things big and small; all this against a sensual backdrop established in the first section) but the execution can be improved. The language is romantic but can also be confusing and I think doesn't dig deep enough into any one message. I would love to see you focus each section on a concept (you have sort of already done this) and tighten the language. For example:
I
I love your body the way I love wheat fields through the seasons, --- can you modify this into a metaphor and eliminate "I love...the way I love..."
The landscape of my commute --- nice line
Bringing both delight and glad wonder that there should still be delight. --- not sure "glad" adds anything here
When the repeating unique angles of the sun, through hours, through months, matter ----"repeating" and "unique" work against each other in this line. Maybe try "circadian" or something else that represents a cyclical changing phenomenon
To let me not forget how much there is to love. This is where you can be deeper. How do the angles of the sun allow you to not forget how much there is to love? What do they reveal to you that you would not otherwise be aware of in their absence?
Smooth and rough growths play their different games together in the same light, -- "growths" is a confusing word here and I am not sure what you mean.
Being the ebb and flow of each other, -- without a clear understanding of what you mean in the first line, this line risks sounding like word salad
companions in refraction.
My eyes cannot hold it all.
I hope this gives you a start. Can't wait to see a revision eventually! I think you have here the start of something magnificent.